Why are you forcing? What in your life has made you feel that you need to force to make things happen in your life? Did someone make you feel like what you are doing is not good enough? Do you feel lazy or like you are letting people down when you are not forcing?
These are the questions (along with others) I had to start asking myself lately. My entire business had become forced. I felt like everything I did was forcing. Every post, every story, every email, every discovery call, every form responded to, etc...all felt forced. And for the life of me I couldn't figure out why! I mean, this business is what I prayed for...ISN'T IT??
When I started asking myself these hard questions, God started to reveal even harder answers, or truths really. He reveled the constant battle I've been in since I left the military in 2012, to justify my leaving.
This was tough to realize.
Here I was, 10yrs later, still caught up in trying to prove to others that I made the right decision in leaving the military. I was proving that by talking constantly about how much money I made and how good I was doing. When really, I was still battling internally about why I left and regret about leaving still had a place in my heart.
When I joined the military, I didn't have many other "job accomplishments" under my belt. If you've read my book, you know that my latest adventure before going to the military in 2002, had been stripping...so needless to say, I was not a "career woman" before the service. When I joined, everything changed for me...I felt needed, I felt a part of something bigger, I felt like I finally had a career. And most of all, I felt financially STABLE on my own two feet!
So, when I left, under protest from many, I felt I had to prove my decision and I went on a mission to make as much or more money than I ever did. I wanted to somehow erase the feelings of regret and "show them people" that I didn't need the military to be successful.
Well, that didn't work. No amount of money or success erased those feelings of "what could've been". So, this year, I had to take those feelings head on, and figure out what was really going on.
What I discovered was shocking. I realized that I have been attaching my worth to how much money I had for pretty much all my life. I grew up in a lower-middle class, single-parent family, and funds were never abundant and most of the time barley enough. I knew more about financial struggles than most kids because I literally saw my mom who was a teacher working 3 jobs, and our lights, phone, water, etc still being cut off.
Despite this lack of funds, my mom made a way for us to attend the best high-school (meaning the school with all of the rich kids). We lived in a broken down apartment complex and I rode the bus (or walked) to school while many of the other kids drove up in Mustangs their daddy bought them for their 16th Birthday. Yes, it was that obnoxious school from one of those after school special T.V. shows LOL!!
Needless to say, I didn't have a fun time there, but it wasn't just about the teasing or rude comments. It's about what happened to my internal identity there. I began to see myself as someone that didn't have money and frankly never would. I attached my identity to the amount of money I had (or mom had at this point). And I carried that with me into adulthood.
So, when I left the military and and lost that steady paycheck, I suddenly became that girl in high school again (but with real adult problems to boot).
In full transparency, this is not a quick little something to get over! I'm still working through it and I didn't start writing in this blog to tell you my success stories. I'm not monetizing it, or leading into a funnel. I'm just here to write and hope someone finds comfort in it like I do. So, I can confidently say, that I'm still working through this!
I'm still working on detaching my identity to how much money I make.
That felt freeing to say. This is a JOURNEY, and I'm ok walking it out. I'm just happy to have the awareness now so I can start to heal.